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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30108750">Bubbles bursting</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Higgystar/pseuds/Higgystar'>Higgystar</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hermitcraft RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>BDubs is neurodivergent, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Neurodiversity, Self-Harm, Stimming, other hermits are mentioned but not focussed, self harmful stimming, the hermits are just a huge family and I love it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:08:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,557</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30108750</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Higgystar/pseuds/Higgystar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bdubs knows he's a little different to most people. It's always been that way. Some would say he's dramatic, others say he's just very outward with his emotions, but either way he's different. Ever since he was little he's expressed himself differently to others, his emotions worn not only on his sleeve but bursting out of him in ways he can't control. He's used to it, he likes it really, because holding it all inside feels like too much is going on in his head and body, so letting it out is much easier to allow.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>170</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Bubbles bursting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Although I do not stim myself, my son is autistic and stims almost constantly. I wanted to explore this is writing because it's not something often seen, and when he grows up I want my son to see people like him in stories. This is kind of a study/exploration piece, mixed with my favourite hermits, as well as some hermitfamily fluff.</p><p>I hope you guys enjoy. All comments, kudos, and bookmarks are much appreciated. I have another 4 WIPs for this fandom and am really enjoying exploring hermitcraft through fanfiction.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bdubs knows he's a little different to most people. It's always been that way. Some would say he's dramatic, others say he's just very outward with his emotions, but either way he's different. Ever since he was little he's expressed himself differently to others, his emotions worn not only on his sleeve but bursting out of him in ways he can't control. He's used to it, he likes it really, because holding it all inside feels like too much is going on in his head and body, so letting it out is much easier to allow. </p><p>When he'd first joined hermitcraft he'd been a little nervous about it. After milling about other servers and getting to know people and make friends, they'd been the ones to contact Xisuma on his behalf, and that had led to the meeting before the invitation. He'd been nervous, fidgeting with the strands of his bandana, wrapping the fabric back and forth and back and forth around his fingers, letting the softness of the worn fabric rub against the pads of his fingers in a soothing manner. Xisuma looked intimidating, armour clad, tall, imposing, and like he should be kitted out for a much for dangerous server than the one he protected. But then he'd spoken, and Bdubs had felt the knot of anxiety in his stomach fizzle away into nothing. </p><p>"Hello there my friend, Bdubs I presume? The others tell me you're interested in joining the hermitcraft server?"</p><p>"Yes." So so much. He'd been looking for somewhere more permanent, somewhere without too many mods, too many people, too many things to keep track of and want to do all at once. "I mean if you have space then I'd love to join."</p><p>The meeting had fallen into a friendly conversation, the two of them discussing past builds, his likes and dislikes, his knowledge of the server rules and Xisuma explaining everything he needed to know. He found it easy to speak to the admin, the helmet made it easy to keep his focus in one place whilst not having to make eye contact. Instead he could look over the vents and ridges, see the way it shined in the light, and how there were the occasional pop ups of code on the inside of the visor. As Xisuma went over the details of a new season and him joining, there was a wave of excitement building inside of his chest. It felt like an ocean beginning, the small tides turning into crashing waves just bursting to get out of its container, and before long he can't stop himself from letting it free. </p><p>It's not a conscious choice, but as their conversation continues he finds himself flapping his hands alongside their words. It feels good. Feels right to get the excess happiness and excitement out into the open where it's easier than being squished up inside of himself. He finds himself grinning as he flaps, hands waving between them, fingers feeling the air rush past as all the brilliant feelings inside of himself show themselves physically. It's like a burst of joy and he can't be expected to keep that all hidden away inside of himself, he has to let it out, and flapping his hands helps. Feeling the thrum of excitement filter through him almost physically, from deep inside his chest to down his arms and out his hands, flapping quickly back and forth into the world around him. It felt so good to let it out.</p><p>For what it's worth Xisuma merely glances to his actions but doesn't stop talking. He likes that. He really likes that. "Well whenever a new hermit joins I always send out a little bio to the others to make introductions less awkward. Things like making sure we have the right pronouns for you, if there is medical issues we should know about, and anything you want them to know." Xisuma explains, pulling a book out of his inventory and dusting off the cover. "These are the other hermits' bios for you to go through to make things easier."</p><p>Really he knows he should reach out and take it, the book is clearly for him. But he can't right now. The excitement and happiness is too much and he can't stop just yet. His hands have to be moving, the pure joy and wonderful feeling of good things happening is too much to stop right now. He can't stop it as much as he could stop the waves in the ocean. It's too much, the burst hasn't finished yet and his hands can't stop until it's all out and easier to manage. Blushing a little he nods, feeling a little silly as he tries to explain. "Thanks, I will I just... have to do this first. Is that okay?"</p><p>Xisuma nods, seemingly unbothered by his actions and what could be seen as rudeness to some. "Absolutely it is. Take your time my friend, we're in no rush.” His voice is so calming, gentle and he’s so pleased there is no concern there like some people have when he stims. “Doc mentioned you stim sometimes, I was going to ask if I could put it in your bio for the others to be aware so they're not taken by surprise." </p><p>He’s nodding eagerly, feeling the excitement ease to a more manageable level. "Yes, please do. I don't want to scare people.” Because it’s happened before, and he always feels awful about it. “I know it's a bit different if you don't know about my happy flappiness." Sometimes people think he’s crazy, or get scared to be near him when he’s stimming. Not a lot of people seemed to realise he can’t help it.</p><p>"No problem, the other hermits will be informed.” Xisuma tells him, and when he’s calm enough to stop his flapping he eagerly accepts the book held out to him. Already he feels good about this, he knows some of the other hermits already and they’re fine with him, so if the others are the same as Xisuma, then maybe he can finally find somewhere to belong. “Now I have to ask this as well, are there any other self-stimulating behaviours you have that could cause harm to yourself that we need to be aware of?"</p><p>Oh. Really he should have known the question was coming. It made sense if they were talking about his stimming then they had to talk about the bad side of it as well. And if Xisuma was going to be his admin then he really did have to know how he was when things got bad inside of his head. Picking at the cover of the book he can’t look at the admin as he shrugs, trying to ignore the small niggle of shame that always appears when he has to acknowledge it.</p><p>“Sometimes.” He admits. “If I get overwhelmed, and things get bad it makes it easier to cope if I hurt myself.” It sounds stupid, but there is no easy way to explain just what happens in those situations. “I pull on my hair, I hit my head, sometimes I bite my hands.”</p><p>For what it’s worth Xisuma doesn’t seem phased at the revelation. He just takes it in his stride and Bdubs is grateful for that. “Obviously I don’t want any of my hermits hurting themselves if I can help it.” <em>His hermits.</em> “In one of those situations I would ask that you allow us to help you in anyway we can. Even if it’s just letting someone be there with you during those moments to help you afterwards.”</p><p>He could do that. Normally people always want to stop him and they don’t understand that without the pain he can’t get through the upset. But Xisuma just wants someone to be there mainly to assist him afterwards. That’s oddly comforting but doesn’t sound too awful. He hates when people try to help by making things worse. It would be trial and error for everyone to learn what he needs, but it’s going to be a lot of trial and error with new people on a new server anyway.</p><p>“Sometimes I can’t talk in those moments, I don’t know if I’d be able to ask for help.” He shrugs, because he’s not adverse to the idea of having someone just be there during those moments. But they don’t always happen when he’s around others.</p><p>Xisuma lifts his wrist, showing off a screen embedded into the armour there. “Everyone on the server has a communicator. All I ask is that it is always with them when they’re on their own so there is always a way to call for help if needed. Even if all you can do is keysmash in the moment, it would be enough to let us know you need assistance. If you can’t tell us your co-ordinates I can always find a way to find you.”</p><p>That actually makes him feel pretty good. Safe. Cared for. He hasn’t even stepped foot on the server yet, but already it feels like it was made for him. Nobody’s ever been so accepting before, so willing to just nod at the way he is and make a few adjustments to make things work. A bubble of utter joy bursts in his chest, and makes him clench his fingers a few times around the book in a mini stim. He really wants all of this.</p><p>“My main rule on my server is to make sure that everyone is healthy, happy, and safe. I trust my hermits to always contact someone if they need something. If in doubt you can always contact me, anytime, day or night.” And Xisuma sounds so honest, so proud, so ready to just give him everything he’s always wanted.</p><p>“I can do that.” He agrees, fingers gripped tightly around the book he’d been given, feeling tingles of want build within himself. Bdubs isn’t good at eye contact, but when he glances up to the visor of Xisuma’s helmet he can’t see the smile, but he can see the way the skin crinkles at the corner of his eyes, proving it’s there all the same. “I want that.”</p><p>“Then welcome to hermitcraft my friend.” If he didn’t know the smile was there before, he can definitely hear it in Xisuma’s voice. A communicator of his own is held out to him, BdoubleO100 inscribed along the top above the screen. Ready for him before he’d even agreed. Ready for him because he was wanted. Ready for him even if he’s a little different. “You are officially a hermit.”</p><p>With his hands full he can only bounce happily on the spot, feeling the utter delight burst out of him with every jump.</p><p>Hermitcraft turns out to be everything he’s ever wanted and more. It’s vanilla so there aren’t an overwhelming amount of mods for him to want to explore all at once. And Xisuma has even made some commands to make things simpler to manage on the server. Best of all there aren’t too many people, just enough to be one big happy family, but not so many that he can’t keep track of everybody.</p><p>The thing he loves most about his servermates is how different they all are. He doesn't feel out of place when everyone else is out of place too. They're a mismatch of different people with different ways of being, and it means everyone just helps everybody else out and gets used to how everybody is.</p><p>He already knows about Etho's social anxiety and why he wears his mask, but nobody is offended by it, they just accept that's how he is. With Doc he knows the creeper hybrid sometimes hisses, and soon it just becomes a regular sound in their conversations to the point he barely notices it anymore. Xisuma has to wear his helmet at all times to breathe, and everybody just learns it as their own version of normal. Cleo sometimes growls when she's angry, the zombie hybrid doesn't feel the need to hide it and nobody feels the need to be afraid of it. Sometimes Ren lets some of his more canine traits out, and it's just a part of who he is so it's no big deal. </p><p>It works for him as well. Nobody cares that he's a little different from the norm. The other boomers don't mind that he can sometimes be as loud as exploding TNT when he's passionate about something. Sometimes desperate to prove himself to the point of accidentally blowing himself up and wasting their supplies. But they don’t mind, there is only ever gentle teasing and shared laughter between them all after the job does actually get done.</p><p>Keralis always has time for him, when he needs to just tell someone about his ideas and flap his hands in excitement at the thought of a new build. His friend always smiles along with him, giving him space in their conversation to flap and bounce and pausing to give him time to answer when his thoughts get jumbled all at once. There is not only understanding for his stimming, but small accommodations made just for him to be more comfortable and he loves it. </p><p>When building the town hall there is respect for his needs. At first it's Scar and Grian joking and breaking his bed, stopping him from sleeping at his usual time. It makes him a little frantic, because he knows phantoms will spawn and he hates phantoms with a passion. They terrify him to the core. It's a joke and he gets that, but before long he's clutching the pillow from his bed in one hand, and the other is winding up to curl into his hair, tugging on the strands and pulling on his scalp. Scar is the first to notice; stopping the laughter and helping him place the bed again as darkness closes in around them. "Alright, alright, get some sleep Bdubs and we’ll start building in the morning." He smiles, giving Grian a warning glance as Bdubs quickly hops into bed to skip the darkness. It's a little thing, but the fact they were happy to joke until it got to be too much means something. Because he's happy to joke and play around and have fun, he just sometimes needs things to stop when it gets too much to handle or ruins his normal routine. </p><p>Etho doesn’t mind when he can’t accept the new uniform he’s given for Shade-E-Es. The leather is too tough, too rough, too stiff and it rubs in all the wrong places. It makes him itch until his skin feels too small and he can’t focus on anything else except that feeling until he’s overwhelmed. When he creates his own uniform, from softer material that moves, that breathes, and that has no labels, Etho merely laughs and points out he’d only made a top, and Bdubs had gone ahead and made a whole uniform. But there was no judgement, just laughter alongside him.</p><p>The nHo seem to be the best at understanding him. It's not a surprise really, when he'd first joined in season 5 he'd stuck with them because he'd known them from previous servers, and they knew him. It had made things a little easier, and besides the worry about the other hermits accepting his differences was easier to cope with when he had three friends backing him up. They each help in their own ways, and had really made things easier for him. Etho and he made quite a pair, the softly spoken master of stealth walking alongside him as he bounces and flaps in excitement over anything new. Beef is the best at hugs, he's bigger and firmer, and when he needs extra pressure to get through a moment of being overwhelmed there is nothing like being wrapped up in his big arms to chase the worries away. He and Doc bicker, and tease, and fight, and prank each other, but it never goes too far. The creeper hybrid knows him well enough to know what is too much, and they'd both been so pleased after rebuilding goat mountain all conversation had devolved into happy hissing from Doc and happy flapping from himself. </p><p>Hermitcraft seems to be the perfect server for him, and he loves it so so much. </p><p>When Xisuma calls a serverwide meeting that's not on their usual Friday, he's already a little bouncy in anticipation. He and Keralis make their way to the admin's base through the nether, both chatting and guessing what they all could have been called in for. It was unlikely anything bad or Xisuma would have braced them for it, which means it's likely something good and exciting and he can't wait to find out.</p><p>The meeting room is always made at Xisuma's base each season, connected to the main server room he uses to explore the code and keep their wonderful world up and running. A few times when a glitch occurs they're all called to stay there until it's resolved, just in case anything should happen that would cause a problem. He hates when that happens, because the meeting room is a bit too big and echoey for his liking, with a tall ceiling and clean look that doesn't feel warm at all. Thankfully when he'd mentioned it to Xisuma he'd been permitted to build a smaller room off to the side, just one with beds and couches and enough small touches of decoration to make it feel cosy and lived in. Enough that if they had to stay for a while everyone could use it and relax out of Xisuma's way as he fixed things. </p><p>He tries his best to get it all out before the meeting starts, bouncing around behind his seat, Keralis chatting to him alongside the other hermits as they join them in the meeting room. Before long they're all there and he has to take his seat as Xisuma sits at the head of the table, trying to keep himself steady by bouncing his leg instead. It's harder when he's expected to sit still, and though he knows the other hermits don't mind his stimming he doesn't want to be a distraction and take the focus away from Xisuma if he can help it. </p><p>Digging into his pocket he pulls out his fidget cube, a mini block that Cub had made him to help when he needed to move but wasn't able to. It was a tiny thing, a mini diorite cube with a mini lever here, some buttons there, a joystick on one side, and other little things his fingers could work on in the background so his mind could focus on something more important. It helps, and he finds himself able to stop the need to move when his fingers are busy beneath the tabletop. It means he can look up and focus on Xisuma and the meeting at hand. </p><p>“Thanks for coming everyone! I have some exciting news for you all.” Their admin tells them. “There is a new update coming soon, and we have been invited to the snapshot hub today to go and see what they have in store for us.”</p><p>Immediately everyone is excited, a few whoops and hollers mix with a swell of muttered conversation around the table. Tango, Impulse, and Zedaph are all chanting “field trip” in an increasingly louder volume. All the hermits are chattering to each other, already guessing as to what is in store for them to see. Grinning to himself he presses the buttons on the fidget cube a little harder, lets his leg bounce under the table, and tries his best to contain his excitement to at least a manageable level.</p><p>Xisuma is smiling himself, letting out a little chuckle as he holds up his hands. “Alright alright, calm down everyone. As always it’s not mandatory to come along, if you wish to stay here that’s fine, just don’t break anything whilst I’m gone.” There is a pointed look at Etho, and everyone gives a chuckle at that as the hermit in question salutes their admin cheekily. “Everyone who is coming with me raise your hand so I know who to keep an eye on.”</p><p>Bdubs’ hand bolts into the air immediately, even he is flapping a little. It joins a lot of others; most of the server is coming along too, so he wont be alone in exploring the new update. Xisuma begins tapping on his communicator, clearly tapping all the names of those who are coming before turning to his main server computer.</p><p>All those who are going on the trip begin getting out of their seats, all chatting to each other as they start gathering by the ring of bedrock blocks that make Xisuma’s programmable portal for visiting other servers or hub worlds. Hopping out of his chair he shoves the fidget cube back into his pocket, leaving his hands free to flap in excitement as he bounces on the spot.</p><p>“I can’t believe there’s a new update already! We’ve just had the nether one not long ago!” And that brought about so many interesting new blocks to play with, whole new pallets in the nether to explore, he had barely even scratched the surface. His hands flap beside him, waving back and forth frantically as he tries to let the excitement out in a way he can manage. “There’s gonna be so many new blocks!”</p><p>Ren giggles next to him as they line up, ears pricked high and tail wagging quickly behind himself. “I know my dude! It’s gonna be so awesome to see it all! The creative juices are going to be flowing today.” Bdubs agrees, he knows he’s going to be coming home to sketch out ideas immediately following their trip.</p><p>Xisuma heads to the front of the group, entering a few last commands into his communicator before the portal switches on. It’s a light green, brighter than any emerald, and letting out a light humming sound as it beckons them all towards it. “Let’s go everyone!”</p><p>Their admin leads them through, the group hopping through the portal one by one and vanishing from the server with a buzz of the communicator. The chaos inside of himself is still bubbling, still eager to escape, and the usual worry he feels about world hopping doesn’t even get a chance to rear its ugly head. Most of the hermits step through sensibly, but he’s too worked up, and jumps through with both feet. The portal feels cold, not warm like nether portals, or full of magic like the end portals, just cold and tingly, like he’s fallen into cold water before being dragged out too fast for his body to recognise the change.</p><p>Landing on new ground he stumbles out of the way, unable to stop himself from edging through the group of hermits to gaze out over what lay before him.</p><p>The hub world is different to usual spawn. Set within the span of one map everything is crammed together, in a reasonable distance for everyone to see everything without having to wander too far. Unlit bedrock portals line the edge, signs above them claiming which belongs to which server. There are close to a hundred of them, some already off, some with a few more people trickling through to explore the new update alongside the hermitcraft server. Already the place is bustling, a lot of other players from different worlds crowding around areas that have been set up to show off the new items, mobs and changes coming their way. Towering mountains line one side of the map, snow covered peaks looming over them all, and he can see some people flying from the top with elytra to explore the new build height. Beneath them he can see a huge cavern, a massive hole in the ground to show just how deep they will be able to dig, the sides showing new levels with new blocks spawning at different heights now. Just seeing it all makes him buzz in excitement, hands unable to be still by his sides as he almost vibrates with the need to explore. </p><p>Behind him Xisuma shuts the portal off, closing off their exit for the moment before typing a few commands on his communicator. "Alright everyone, we've got three hours to have a look around. Meet here when it's time to go back please. Communicators still work so shout if you need anything." Xisuma is grinning behind the visor, looking over the group of them all with something akin to pride. "Don't break anything, remember you're representing not only yourselves, but the server as a whole. Now let's go have fun!"</p><p> </p><p>Their group of hermits begin to disperse, everyone heading off in different directions to see what entices them most. Hesitating a little he watches most of the go, hands falling to his side with the smallest quake to his fingers as everything looms before him. There are a lot of people here. Usually he's used to just their little server, with people who know him and he knows in return. Before him are crowds of people, gathering around each new thing in throngs of people he doesn’t know at all. He shoves down that worry. He’s got so many other new things to focus on it won't be a problem. He can just ignore everybody else and instead explore everything that's new and exciting. </p><p>Just looking around he doesn’t even know where to begin. New landscapes, new blocks, new mobs, new mechanics, new heights, new crafting recipes… Pressing his toes into the ground he bounces a little, steadying out the insistent want into something manageable as he tries to find a place to begin.</p><p>"If they have goats I'm going to lose it." Doc grins beside him, maybe not bouncing like he is, but clearly excited at the prospect of new mobs to learn about. The creeper hybrid looks over him, and sees the way his eyes are darting between everything with no time to focus. "Breathe man. You okay?”</p><p>"There's a lot..." He mutters, and he's not sure if he means the new things to look at or the amount of people on the hub with them. </p><p>Doc chuckles nudging him a little as the small group of them left begin heading towards where everything is laid before them. “We've got time to see it all. Come on, me, Mumbo and Iskall are going to see the new redstone components they've got."</p><p>That makes him scoff, shaking his head until the colours all blur together into a mess. "Phooey to redstone, I want to see the new blocks!" Because he does, he really really does and it feels like the need is bursting out of him with every bounce on the spot. He's like a sparkler spitting out bursts of light, everytime his feet hit the floor it's another spurt of joy coming out of him. He can't contain it, it's all too much too fast and he needs to see it all right now!</p><p>"Come on dude." Grian grabs his hand tightly, and he appreciates the pressure right now. It gives him something to ground him, to keep him from having to cope alone with everything going on around him. "Let's go see what they've got." They run, and running helps get rid of the excess energy that's built up inside of him. He and Grian are grinning as they run, weaving between the crowds, laughing as people roll their eyes as they zoom past. </p><p>He's still clinging onto Grian's hand as they make their way to the cavern, both of their sneakers squeaking as they skid on the glass floor that's been built above the daunting height. It's amazing to be able to stand so high above it all, the pair of them jumping up and down on the glass, daring it to break beneath them as they gaze into the deep dark below. It's really a terrifying sight, he should be scared at seeing nothing but fog, darkness and the slight shifting that signifies a terrifying new mob lurking in the depths below. Instead he's buzzing, Grian and he dancing over the glass partition, laughing and mockingly punching at the glass beneath each other. Of course they're not going to actually break it and risk hurting each other, because that drop really was a death sentence, but the thrill of it makes him flap happily alongside his friend. </p><p>"This is epic! We're going to have to build an underground city at some point." Grian tells him, the two of them spinning around, making themselves dizzy before looking down and feeling the rush of fear flow through them. It makes Bdubs feel buzzy, dizziness and vertigo spiralling through him as the deep dark feels like it's rushing up to get him. He squeaks as he stumbles backwards, tripping over his own feet as he falls into someone else, hitting them hard before crashing to the ground. </p><p>"Hey! Watch out!"</p><p>"Look where you're going!"</p><p>"I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" Immediately he turns to help up the person he'd knocked over, feeling awful that he hadn't seen them because he was too dizzy. His hands are knocked away by the girl's friend, them helping her to her feet instead. "It was an accident I didn't mean to."</p><p>The friend scoffs at him, looking him up and down with a scowl that makes him feel small and insignificant. "Maybe if you were acting like an adult you wouldn't be running into people. Come on let's get away from here." The girl glares at him as she's ushered away, both of them leaving him feeling awful at his mistake. Others in the crowd around them are looking over at the ruckus, making him blush and stare down at his shoes in guilt. He really hadn't meant to be a problem, he was just enjoying himself looking at everything. </p><p>His fingers reach up to wind around the tail of his bandana, the well worn fabric slipping between them easily in a well rehearsed stim. It's easier to cope when he can instead focus on the fabric, feeling the way it moves so easily, so known to him between his fingers. Slip, slide, with a little fraying on the edges where it's so old. Not that he minds, he likes it that way. He doesn't like the feeling of eyes on him.</p><p>"You okay Bdubs?" Grian is there at his side, fuzzy red sweater in his peripheral vision as he tries to ignore the feeling of people staring, people he doesn't know, who don't know him. He’d been doing so well to forget the new people here, but now it was all being brought back to him in a rush.</p><p>"I didn't mean to, it was an accident." He shrugs. </p><p>"I know that, and so do they, they're just idiots." Grian shrugs it all off so easily, still smiling to him and not looking bothered at all by the unknown people around them everywhere. "Ignore them, you apologised, if they don't want to accept it that's on them. Come on, I know something that will take your mind off of it." Grian holds onto the cuff of his jumper, tugging him off in a different direction without disturbing his still occupied hands as he continues working the bandana through his fingers. </p><p>Turns out Grian knows exactly what he needs as a distraction. The huge tank before them is filled with new mobs, tiny little axolotls swimming back and forth happily. A crowd is around the front of it, everyone pointing and looking over the new creatures happily. They look so happy in there, little arms and legs waving in the water, but the best part is their faces. There is an ever present grin on each ones' face, adorable and sweet all at once. They seem friendly enough bobbing right up to the viewing window, gazing at the crowd and seeming to investigate each person there. </p><p>Grian begins pulling faces at them, enjoying when the little creatures come right up close to investigate him. Carefully the other hermit trails a finger along the front of the glass, not touching it, but just using his finger to get the mobs' attention. The axolotls are curious, bobbing over to where his finger is, and following it in its movement. A couple more come over to help investigate, one even opens its mouth and tries to bite through the glass to get to it. </p><p>Bdubs giggles as the swarm follows Grian's finger, bobbing back and forth, little feet paddling through the water to try and catch it. The thought that soon enough these mobs would be accessible in their world makes the bubbles of excitement build up again. Letting his bandana hang loose he instead lets his hands flap a little in excitement, bouncing on his toes as it builds inside of him. "I want a pet one so bad!" He grins, hands waving through the air, letting the bubbles of happiness burst free around himself. It helps, hands waving quickly, flapping back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. He steps closer to where Grian is trailing his finger, when suddenly the swarm of mobs dart away from them, shooting through the water faster than he'd seen before to go bury themselves beneath rocks and in seagrass.  </p><p>A chorus of disappointed noises come from the crowd around them, and his hands stop flapping, frozen in the air when he hears the mutters. People tutting, saying he'd scared them, didn't he know they don't like fast movements? Embarrassment creeps over him, starting at his feet and washing all the way up until he's got his shoulders up around his ears, trying to make himself smaller. Lowering his hands he tugs his sleeves down, knotting his fingers in the fabric as he feels eyes on him from all around. "Sorry..." He should have known the tiny mobs wouldn't like his flapping, even BeedoubleO100 didn't like it much and she was used to him. </p><p>It wasn't like he could help it, the axolotls were too cute, and it made him happy to see them all swimming around after Grian's finger. He wasn't sure if he was apologising to the mobs themselves or the people in the crowd around them. </p><p>But Grian is there, still smiling to him and looking like nothing in the world was wrong. "No worries, it just startled them." Grian's pointing back to the tank where the little mobs are peeking out from their hidey holes, a few braver ones swimming back up to the glass and smiling at the visitors again. "See? They're fine." A few more get the nerve to come back out, one even bobbing before them with that silly smile on its face. Least they weren't holding a grudge. Not like the people in the crowd he could hear still murmuring about him scaring them away. </p><p>"Can we go see something else now?" It's not that he doesn't like the axolotls, he just doesn't want to scare them again, and make more people mad with his happiness.</p><p>"Sure!” Grian is still grinning, still looking so unwaveringly comfortable despite everything. He wishes he could find it so easy. “I really wanted to go up to the new build height and divebomb off with an elytra. We could go check that out next."</p><p>Bdubs grimaces a little at the thought. He knows Grian is an expert flyer, he had been getting lessons from the other hermit after all, but it’s really not something for him. Especially not in front of so many other people.</p><p>"Actually I was gonna go see the new blocks, you know I'm not the best flier." And he really doesn't want to put a damper on Grian's fun by chickening out if it's too high. Ever since the falling incident at the start of season six he's preferred to stay low to the ground if he has to fly at all. “And I really really want to start making new block pallets.”</p><p>He does, and he knows that if he can focus on the blocks then the build up of worry and anxiety churning in his gut at being around so many other people will go away. It’s better when he has something to focus on, something he really enjoys and loves and wants to find out about. Already it’s getting easier to ignore the crowds around them, because the small bubble of want and excitement is growing, and when he has that it doesn’t matter about anything else.</p><p>“I’m sure you’re gonna come up with something insane.” Grian laughs, already turning to head in the direction of the looming mountain above them. “Have fun Bdubs, I’ll see you later!”</p><p>And then there was one. It’s not hard to find where he needs to be, it seems the largest crowd has gathered around the showcase of the new blocks. Breathing deeply he tries to calm himself down, slipping through the crowd carefully and making sure not to cause anybody else to fall over with his clumsiness. The new blocks are split around the area, one single block of each kind elevated to show it off, and then a scattering of small builds using the new textures within them. There are so many around the area, all surrounded by small crowds chatting and clearly discussing what they intend to use them for in their own worlds.</p><p>Weaving between the crowd he tries to pace himself, not pushing to get to the front, but just trying his very best to be reasonable and take his turn. Even if everything inside of himself wants to just reach out and touch the new blocks and find out exactly what they feel like. He wishes this server was set to creative mode so he could at least take his pick of the blocks, but in survival he’d just have to pace himself like everybody else.</p><p>Clenching his hands into fists to keep pressure on his itching fingers, he begins working his way down the path around the new blocks. There are so many of them it’s hard to focus on just one at a time but he does his best. Each one is labelled, and he happily repeats the names of each block to himself as he commits them to memory. The deepslate and all the variants of ores are exciting, with so much potential packed in each blocks making him thrum with happiness at the thought of how many builds he could create with them all.</p><p>He’s doing well, buzzing internally and grinning, but restraining himself pretty well as he gazes at all the new textures coming in the future. Bouncing down the path a little he weaves between people carefully, heading to the next section of new blocks. And suddenly it becomes a lot harder to control himself.</p><p>Copper. He’s wanted copper for so damned long it’s unreal, and as much as he makes do with warped stems and logs, it’s just not the real thing. But there’s not just one copper block, no, there are a lot, each one in different phases of erosion, varying colours, varying textures, and able to be kept in one form with the addition of beeswax. Behind where each block is elevated is a small build, just a display of the blocks together in a mini house, but it’s enough to make him squeak in delight at seeing it all work together. The fresh copper shines in the daylight, the oxidised copper reflects a deeper greener tone, and all the different arrays in-between make it such a clever and wonderful new pallet to behold.</p><p>Bdubs isn’t even aware he’s stepped off of the path and up to the build until he’s touching it, feeling the shiny copper cold beneath his palms, the burr of the oxidised version catching on his skin and the smell of metal in the air is wonderful. There is so much he can do with this, so many builds and ideas and plans and everything bouncing around in his head too fast to even focus on at the moment.</p><p>It’s like he’s a bottle of champagne. Just a few small bubbles to begin with. But then there is something added to make him fizz. The copper makes him bounce on the spot, happiness and pure joy at the possibilities beginning to build and build and build inside of him. Each bubble of excitement building and building and building. Multiplying ten times over until there is nothing but bubbles and pressure and it needs to go somewhere before he bursts.</p><p>He lets out a squawk of utter delight, letting his hands flail at his sides, flapping hard and fast to try and release the build up inside of him. Before long they’re in front of him, hands flapping so hard he can feel the displaced air against his face as he grins, still bouncing and flapping and squeaking as pure utter joy bursts out of him. His breathing is hard and fast, but he doesn’t care because it’s all so good! There are so many things he can do with copper! So many plans and ideas and block pallets and thoughts and wants and everything all at once.</p><p>Closing his eyes he just enjoys himself in the moment. Flapping his hands, and loving the feeling of complete happiness that overwhelms him. It just wants to escape him, burst like bubbles from the tips of his fingers and surround him. Sometimes it feels like bursts of light, popping around him with every flap, spiralling out and spreading into the world. He feels dizzy but in a good way, and each bounce on the spot lets him feel more and more free and less and less overwhelmed. If he’d tried to keep all this inside he thinks he really would explode like a creeper.</p><p>For a minute there is nothing else except pure happiness, the feeling flowing through him, making him feel like he’s glowing. Each flap of his hands helps get the buzz of energy to move, not constantly trapped inside his chest but flowing through him, easier to handle. He feels like he’s flying, thoughts of everything brilliant and shiny like the new copper blocks flowing through his head in a swirl of joy. There’s just so much all at once it’s amazing and brilliant and he’s lost in the feeling as he flaps and jumps and squeaks his enjoyment into the world. There is just him and happiness.</p><p>Until there’s not.</p><p>“Hey are you okay?”</p><p>Startled he blinks open his eyes, stumbling on his next bounce, and trying to breathe through the haze of bliss that’s covering him like a blanket. Everything feels a little fuzzy, good fuzzy, he continues flapping his hands as he tries to focus on the person who’d spoken to him. He doesn’t know them, but he knows the kind of face they’re making means they’re worried. They shouldn’t be worried, this was a happy time! There were new exciting things to enjoy and they shouldn’t be looking at him like that.</p><p>He wants to explain, wants to tell them that he’s happy flappy and it’s a good thing. But words are hard when all there is are bubbles of joy and bursts of excitement and want. A squeak slips from his mouth and he bounces on his toes a little as he tries to just get everything out so he can explain.</p><p>“Do you want me to get your admin for you?”</p><p>No! He’s fine! It’s all fine and good and happy. Glancing around a little as it becomes easier to focus on things outside of himself, he realises it’s not just one person here with him. It’s a crowd of people. Everyone who was here to look at the new blocks was now looking at him, with a mix of expressions he can’t comprehend right now because there is a lot going on in his head. It’s a crowd. It’s a lot of people. A lot of people looking at him. Oh no.</p><p>Shaking his head he takes a deep breath, feeling like he’s emerging from underwater. “’m fine!” He barks, voice too loud, making people startle. Things take a while to recalibrate in his head sometimes.</p><p>The person who’d spoken still looks concerned, watching his hands as he tries to calm them down, smaller flaps, restrained movements. Nothing too big and scary. Behind them comes a scoff, and then a different voice, deep and mocking.</p><p>“Hermitcraft.” Turning he finds some guy glancing at his own communicator, touching the screen and clearly scrolling through Bdubs’ profile attached to his username. “He’s from hermitcraft, which explains a lot.”</p><p>Then there are noises from the crowd around them. Mutters. Scoffs. Some people sigh. He feels small.</p><p>“Another freak from that server.”</p><p>“Why were they invited anyway?”</p><p>“I swear they’re all weirdos over there.”</p><p>The good feeling is gone. All the bubbles have burst and now there is an empty cavern inside of him. He feels hollow. He doesn’t want to be here anymore. He can feel his toes curl inside his shoes as he looks down at them, not wanting to look up and see all the eyes on him. It’s not fun here anymore with everybody looking at him and tutting at his behaviour. It makes him itch on the inside.</p><p>“Another crazy addition to Xisuma’s collection.”</p><p>“They don’t even have mods on their server.”</p><p>“They don’t play on hardcore either.”</p><p>Keeping his head down he moves through the crowd, too busy watching his feet to even care if he’s bumping into people as he tries to get away. It all feels too much suddenly, and he desperately knots his fingers into the sleeves of his sweater to try and control himself. He could explain it all to them, but he doesn’t want to, he shouldn’t need to. Everybody on hermitcraft just took him for who he was, he’d forgotten how different he really is to outsiders.</p><p>He feels like he’s let them all down. Xisuma had said to behave and represent the server well, now here he was making everyone call them freaks and laugh at them. Nobody would want to join the server if they think they’re all freaks like him. Just because he couldn’t keep his stupid stimming in check for one day. Everything inside feels too tight, too close, and he needs to get away. He can’t escape the feeling inside of himself, but he can escape it here from the server.</p><p>Bdubs keeps his head down as he moves, feeling himself knock into people in the crowds but not caring. They already think he’s a weirdo, already look down on the hermitcraft server because of him, so why bother apologising? His fingers are trembling, knotted in the cuff of his sweater as he tries to breathe through it all. He needs to control himself, just get away, get somewhere safe to just exist without being a problem.</p><p>All he can hear is the crowd around him, nothing but murmurs, noise, buzzing of sounds in his ears like bees. In his mind they turns to sneers, scoffs, mockery and hatred towards him and his stimming. Everything inside of his head itches. It feels like a loud thrum of hatred, a vast echoing canyon of voices bouncing between his ears and making him feel small. Making him feel like a problem that can’t be fixed.</p><p>Everything feels too much. He’s too small, yet too big of a problem. His head hurts, his skin feels too small and everything is all too much all at once to deal with. He’s a problem. A weirdo who is dragging down the good name of the server because he can’t control himself around normal people for even one day. What if his fellow hermits hate him for making them look bad? What if they want to kick him off the server? What if Xisuma is mad at him?</p><p>The bedrock portal feels a little safer than being out in the main hub. No one else is around, no crowds, no one watching him, no one there to tell him he’s a nuisance. Sliding down the side of it he wishes it were lit so he could just get home and hide away, but it’s off, not allowing anybody through without their admin’s permission. But the thought of calling for Xisuma right now feels too much.</p><p>They’d been told to behave. Told to represent the server well. To represent Xisuma well. And he’d gone and messed it all up. Scaring people, making people laugh and scoff and jeer because he was a freak. Curling up beside the portal he tries his best to calm down and focus, but it’s so hard when his head feels full of echoes and shame and worry. Biting on his lower lip he presses his fingertips into the fabric of his sleeves, trying to add pressure, trying to get some sort of relief without doing what he actually wants to do. No more stimming. No more stimming where people didn’t want him to stim. It should be so easy. But it feels awful to try and keep it all inside when he just wants to explode.</p><p>Everything is too much all at once.</p><p>Sitting on the floor beside the portal he leans back against it, trying to focus on the here and now. He’s fine. He’s fine. It’s all fine. Because soon it would be over and he could go home. Soon enough Xisuma would come back and let them all go home and he could go home and hide and do whatever he wanted. If Xisuma let him go home. Unless Xisuma didn’t want him to come back and blacklisted him and left him without a home and lost and without anyone to help…</p><p>Burying his hand in his pocket he hunts for his fidget cube. A little stim would be okay. Surely? There was nobody here to see and it was so small and made to be unobtrusive. It would be fine he’d just sit and wait it out with his fidget cube until he’s calmed down and then he can apologise and make everything better again by promising not to stim in public anymore.</p><p>Except he can’t find the fidget cube.</p><p>Everything crashes down around him. His stupid bouncing around the hub world must have made it fall out of his pocket. Losing something so vital to him, something gifted from a friend, something made especially for him. As if he wasn’t enough of a problem, now he just looks ungrateful.</p><p>It’s too much. He feels small. He feels stupid. He feels like a problem and it feels like everyone else can see it. Weirdo. Freak. Useless. It’s overwhelming. The buzzing in his head feels like static, too bright and loud and taking over his thoughts, making everything circle around and around, biting at him and niggling at him, making him hurt and ache inside with no way to let it all out. Letting out a yell of frustration he buries into himself, curling into a ball at the base of the portal.</p><p>Can’t stay. Can’t leave. Can’t think. Can’t stop. Can’t do this.</p><p>His communicator feels heavy on his wrist, and he knows he doesn’t want to be a problem, but Xisuma had made him promise and even if he knows he shouldn’t and he doesn’t want to he knows he has to. If he doesn’t ask for help Xisuma will be mad. If he does ask for help Xisuma will want to know why and he will be mad. There is no winning but he can’t stay here for another second. Everything is building up inside of him and he needs to let it out even if he knows he shouldn’t. Trying to steady himself, he does his best, shaky fingers trying to type out a plea that will be understood even if he can barely think straight because he’s so overwhelmed with shame and worry.</p><p>BdoubleO100: H omE pL ees</p><p>Iskall85: Are you okay Bdubs?</p><p>Grian: Are you still by the new blocks? I can come over now.</p><p>Xisumavoid: Bdubs where are you? Are you alright?</p><p>They were worrying about him. He’s nothing more than a problem. Someone to be ashamed of because of how he brought down the reputation of their server and they were worrying about him. The guilt swamps him, makes him feel so damned small he thinks he might disappear altogether. Or he would if his thoughts and worries in his head weren’t so loud and dominating.</p><p>BdoubleO100: h0m e Po Rtl</p><p>Rendog: I’m close, be right there dude.</p><p>Xisumavoid: I’m on my way Bdubs, are you hurt? If you can please tell us what’s happened?</p><p>BdoubleO100: fheuojnfkdiqwoklnmfejgk</p><p>Keralis1: Oh Bubbles… you want Papa K come take you home?</p><p>Mumbo Jumbo: Oh goodness, if he can barely type it has to be bad.</p><p>Grian: I shouldn’t have left him to go fly.</p><p>Xisumavoid: Wait for me to inform you all, we don’t want to crowd him right now.</p><p>His friends, his family, are worried about him. Willing to cut their time in the update hub to come help him. The guilt is overwhelming. It washes over him, smothering him, making everything bad and wrong about this whole day bubble up like acid in his throat. He can’t deal with the communicator right now. He can’t deal with anything right now.</p><p>Before he knows it, even if he shouldn’t, his fingers of one hand are in his hair, tugging and yanking on the strands to feel the familiar pressure on his scalp. Pain was easy. Pain didn’t upset and confuse him because he can control it. It hurts. But it stops the thoughts and the worry and the guilt and the shame for a millisecond. A millisecond he needs to breathe. Each yank makes him hurt, and he can deal with hurt.</p><p>Everything is too busy in his head. Too much to focus on and not enough space or time to go through it all in a way that makes sense. Voices and noises and mockery, jeering, teasing, problems, problems, problems…</p><p>Screwing his eyes shut he stays buried in himself as he brings his free hand up to his mouth, hating himself yet unable to stop as he bites down on the flesh. His teeth grind into the skin, grabbing at the meat of his hand, pressing down, biting, hurting, he knows it will bruise, it always does but even if it’s wrong it helps. The pain helps. He can breathe, he can control it and focus and for just a second he’s just existing and hurting, and hurting can be fixed unlike the worries in his head. It adds pressure to his teeth, to his gums, to his jaw, and pressure helps, pressure eases things for just a moment, a blissful moment.</p><p>He can feel his communicator buzzing and pinging on his wrist, but with his eyes screwed up he can ignore it, can just pretend it isn’t there. Nothing else is here but him, his teeth, his hands, the pain, the ability to control the outcomes of what he’s doing to himself.</p><p>Everything in his head is too overwhelming. He doesn’t want to be a problem. He doesn’t want to be the reason people mock their server. He doesn’t want to ruin everyone else’s good day. He doesn’t want to be anything to anybody right now because it’s easier to not have to deal with things. It’s so much safer and easier to only have to deal with the pain and not with the thoughts.</p><p>Footsteps approach him, and he bites a little harder, buries himself a little further, curls a little tighter and wishes he could just vanish. But he can’t. He still exists. He still has to get through this. He feels someone kneel beside him, the slight noise of metal plates clinking letting him know it’s Xisuma, and he feels awful. His admin was having to come deal with him because he couldn’t even cope with himself. Pathetic.</p><p>“It’s okay Bdubs, Ren and I are here for you.” A gloved hand is placed on his head, not stopping him from tugging on his hair, just placed there to give him some reassurance even if it’s not verbal. “Can you speak right now? I’d really like to know what’s happened.”</p><p>No. Talking means thinking, talking means opening his mouth and losing the pressure and pain on his hand. Talking means having to explain it all and he can’t he can’t he can’t right now in case Xisuma wants to get rid of him and leave him here and hates him forever.</p><p>“Okay, that’s okay. You’re overwhelmed right now, so let’s get you home and safe. I have to stay here and keep an eye on everybody else, but Ren is here, and he’s going to take you home.” Xisuma tells him. Doesn’t ask him, because right now his admin knows he doesn’t need to added pressure of making choices, he needs to be told what is going to happen to keep things manageable. He loves that his admin knows him so well, but hates the guilt that shudders through him at being such a problem.</p><p>Xisuma moves, and he can hear the noises of the portal being activated for him. The way home is ready for him, and he’s so relieved but feels so bad. This might be the last time he’s allowed to even think of it as home.</p><p>“Come on my dude, up we get.” Ren. Wonderfully cheerful and happy to help Ren is there, helping him up, practically lifting him from the floor to stand. Sacrificing his day to help him. “Let’s get us out of here.”</p><p>He watches the floor. Right now he can’t possibly bear to look up and see the disappointment in their eyes. The portal glows before him, cold and humming lightly, waiting for him to escape.</p><p>“I’ll let everyone know you’re okay for now. I want you to stay with Ren until I get home, then we will talk about what happened okay?” Xisuma sounds so calm, so understanding and able to deal with him. He’ll miss this the most. “Ren is going to keep me updated on the communicator, so I know you’re alright.”</p><p>Bdubs can’t even find the will to nod in understanding, instead he simply follows Ren through the portal, letting the coldness wash over him until he’s standing back in the meeting room. It feels too big, too echoey with high ceilings and nowhere to hide. Ren’s hand is on his back, soothing and comforting without being too much for him to cope with. He’s not sure what he wants to do. Everything in his head is pushing and pulling him in every direction all at once. He bites a little harder on his hand, and he swears he can feel the bruises starting to form already.</p><p>“Come with me.” He glances up at the familiar soft voice. Etho. Standing by the door to the side room he’d made for comfort during server glitches. He doesn’t know if the other hermit came by because of his messages on the communicator, if Xisuma had asked him to, or if Etho just knew him enough to know he’d be back and need help. Maybe it’s just Etho being Etho.</p><p>Ren walks beside him, hand still on his back, guiding him softly. The side room is smaller, lower ceilings, soft furnishings, couches, beds, flowers and comfort of regular life all around him. It’s better. Automatically he heads to the nearest couch, curling up, uncaring about his feet on the cushions as he tries to just breathe. He’s home. For now. It’s better like this. He should be able to cope with this.</p><p>Around him he can hear Ren muttering to Etho, the pair of them moving around the room, dimming lights, sorting through chests, and just letting him be for a moment. It helps. He is safe. He is home. His teeth grind into the skin of his hand, it hurts, but by now it’s become more of a dull ache rather than a sting of pain. It helps. Even if his head is still full of worry, and shame, and fear, and so many thoughts that won’t shut up. It’s exhausting.</p><p>A heavy weight falls around his shoulders, comforting, adding pressure and safety when he’s feeling so lost. A weighted blanket, and he knows it’s Etho’s doing. The other hermit had been the one to come up with the crafting recipe years earlier. Wool and chainmail, soft but weighted to add comfort when he needed it. It makes him sigh through his nose. Even if he doesn’t feel like he deserves it, his friends are still here to help him.</p><p>For a while there is just silence between them all. Ren sits beside him on the couch, not touching, but just there for him. It doesn’t feel awkward, just calm and comforting to know they’re both here for him. It doesn’t last long, just long enough for him to catch his breath and find some sort of focus for himself.</p><p>Etho kneels before him, soft hands placed to the side of his feet on the couch, just in the field of his vision. “Bdubs, I want you to know that you are safe here. Whatever happened, you are here now, you are safe now, and nothing is going to happen to you.” Etho sounds so sure, so certain. It helps.</p><p>“We’re here for you dude.” Ren leans into his side a little, letting him know he’s there too. “I know you’re upset, but for us to help you, you’ve got to tell us what happened.”</p><p>But that feels very hard right now. His voice is trapped behind the physical barrier of his teeth locked onto his hand, and the mental barrier of worry and shame that’s buzzing around his head. He’s never very good at explaining himself or why he does the things he does. Squeezing his eyes shut he can’t even shake his head to let them know, right now he feels stuck and unsure how to go forward from here.</p><p>Thankfully Etho is there to guide him. “Could you try to stop biting yourself for me? One step at a time. Let’s get your hand seen to first, it’s got to be hurting you and we don’t like when you hurt yourself.” He knows they don’t. Nobody likes it when he hurts himself, but it’s not like he can explain why he has to do it. But Etho is asking nicely, and with the weighted blanket, and Ren and being home and safe, maybe he can work with them. His jaw feels stiff when he lets go, aching from being in the same position for so long, but his hand aches worse. Slowly he holds out his hand to Etho, grateful when the other man doesn’t seem bothered by the sight of the bruises there. “Thank you.”</p><p>Carefully Etho gets out some supplies; a healing potion and some bandages. The bandages are soaked in the potion before being gently wrapped around his hand, pressing on the bruises and making them tingle as the potion begins taking effect. Breathing slowly he tries his best to get into a better headspace. His friends are here to look after him, letting him go at a reasonable pace, and even if they know it’s hard they seem to know he’s not being purposefully difficult.</p><p>“There we go; that should start feeling better pretty fast.” Etho ties the bandage in place tightly, fingers stroking over the top of the bandage and the top of his hand lightly before letting him pull away. But now the physical damage is taken care of he knows they’re going to ask him questions and it’s so hard to explain his head sometimes. The pain is gone, so he has to try his best to focus on something else.</p><p>“Good job my dude.” Ren says besides him, and he can hear the smile in his voice as the other hermit throws an arm along the back of the couch behind him. “Man I’m glad we’re off of that hub, it was so noisy over there, gave me a headache to have to deal with that many people at once. Thanks for letting me come home with you.”</p><p>That makes him look up to the dog-hybrid. Ren is looking so calm, relaxed, leaning against the back of the couch as if they’re just having an everyday catch up and not dealing with the aftermath of his breakdown. But Ren is thanking him for them leaving early? He thought he’d be angry with him for ruining an exciting day. Running his tongue over his lips he nods a little shakily, trying to hush the worries as he latches on to what Ren has said.</p><p>“There were a lot of people.” Bdubs mutters in agreement.</p><p>Ren nods with a grin. “Yeah, too many people if you ask me. Made my ears hurt.” Said ears twitch atop his head. Bdubs knows they were extra sensitive to lots of noise, but it hadn’t occurred to him that maybe Ren would have issues with so many people all at once. Not like he does. He doesn’t feel quite so alone for a moment.</p><p>“It’s why I decided not to go.” Etho adds, still kneeling before him but looking as calm and unfazed as ever. “You know I would have been all over that new redstone, but that many people I don’t know? Far too much for me.” Well he knew about Etho’s social anxiety, but really it hadn’t crossed his mind that he might not be the only one to react badly to that sort of situation. Etho just took the step of not exposing himself in the first place.</p><p>“It was too much.” He explains, rolling his shoulders to try and ease some of the tension in them. “I… I got overwhelmed.” And they both know what that looks like for him.</p><p>Etho nods, hands now moving up to help bring Bdubs' knees down into a proper sitting position. He doesn’t feel the need to hide away quite as much anymore. “That’s completely understandable. You did the right thing asking Xisuma to bring you home.”</p><p>But that’s the thing. It wasn’t just the people being there. He could deal with that. People just existing in the same space was fine. Sometimes a little busy, but fine. He could have handled that. But then he’d gone and ruined it all. Chewing on his lip a little he’s not sure how to explain it, and Etho has to reach up to stop his fidgeting fingers from tugging at the bandages on his hand.</p><p>“I… I screwed up.” He mutters, voices of worry and shame echoing around his head as he dares to speak up.</p><p>They’re quietened by Ren’s weight against his side. “Screwed up how dude?”</p><p>Ducking his head he takes a breath. They were asking because they were concerned, not because they wanted to ridicule him. Time to be brave. “I got too excited. I knocked people over. I scared the axolotls.” He explains, remembering the utter shame that had coursed through him in those moments. Then the words, and the consuming fear that had swallowed him until he couldn’t function anymore. “People saw me, and now they think hermitcraft is for freaks, and Xisuma is going to be so mad at me.”</p><p>That’s the worst part. The thought that he’d managed to disappoint his friend. Someone he looked up to and saw as family, now maybe Xisuma wouldn’t want him anymore. The mere thought of it makes him feel hollow, and empty, like the void itself would open up inside of him and swallow him whole. He may not like it, but he could deal with strangers not liking him, not understanding him, but the thought of Xisuma seeing him as a problem? That was the worst. It makes his worries run wild.</p><p>But before he can become swamped again, Ren scoffs, the arm from the back of the couch now moving to lie on his shoulders and tug him close. “Okay first of all, Xisuma will not be mad at you. He could never be mad at you for needing to come home early.” But that’s not the thing. Yes he was ashamed he’d had to leave, but that’s not the problem. When he reaches up to tug on his hair, Ren gently moves his hand away for him.</p><p>Etho pauses for a moment, looking thoughtful before speaking. “You said you were excited. Were you stimming?” Of course he was. Not like he could help it even if he should have tried harder. “Did somebody say something about your stimming?”</p><p>Squirming a little he feels the need to explain himself, apologies didn’t feel like they were going to be enough right now. “I was so excited about the new blocks, I couldn’t stop it. I got in everybody’s way; they called me a freak. I tried to behave but I couldn’t stop…”</p><p>“Bdubs, you didn’t do anything wrong by stimming. You are always allowed to stim when you need to.” Ren tells him, but he shakes his head, trying to explain why it was so bad.</p><p>“Xisuma said we were representing the server. Now people think his server is full of freaks because of me.” He blurts out, feeling that overwhelming shame creep over him again. It was all his fault. Now hermitcraft, his friends, his family, were going to be looked down upon because of him. Because of his stupid inability to repress some dumb instinct his body had to make stupid movements and do stupid things when it got overexcited. People would call his friends, his family, freaks, and shun them, and not invite them to anymore hub worlds and maybe even ban them from visiting other places because they don’t want the freaks coming over to their shiny perfect server and-</p><p>“Bdubs I need you to focus and listen to me.” Etho is holding his hands. He hadn’t even realised he’d been lifting them to his mouth to bite on them. When the other hermit continues his voice is low, calm, even, and nothing short of comforting. “You did nothing wrong. All you did was show people exactly how hermitcraft is, and Xisuma will be proud of that. We <em>are</em> a weird server, full of misfits. We have mob hybrids, ex-assassins, cybernetics, non-binary people, people from all over the spectrum of differences. Our admin is a void walker for crying out loud.” He adds with a chuckle.</p><p>Well he supposes that is true. Part of the reason he loves hermitcraft so much is because they’re all different. He’s never minded about anybody’s pasts, or bodies, or anything like that. And no one here has ever minded him being neurodivergent. It kind of worked for all of them to just accept and be accepted.</p><p>“Yeah dude that’s what makes our server so awesome.” Ren tells him, dragging him in to a sideways hug. “There are some servers out there that are totally exclusionist. Some are human only, some refuse anyone not neurotypical, some are totally disgusting and don’t allow anyone who isn’t cisgender. When Xisuma made this server he wanted everyone to be welcome and safe.”</p><p>“The kind of people that mocked you for stimming are the kind of people we don’t need here.” Etho explains, still holding his hands and helping to keep him grounded. “But I bet there was someone in that crowd who is different, and is relieved to know there is a server out there for them when they’re ready.”</p><p>Ren nods eagerly besides him. “If anything you’ve represented the server just how Xisuma wanted us to.”</p><p>That takes a moment to register. Both of his friends remain beside him, holding him, keeping him steady and calm as he thinks it over. It doesn’t feel like his stimming should be a good thing. For him it’s just always been something that is a part of him, something he can’t control, and something he’s just grateful that people accept. But here his friends were telling him it was a good thing. That in his own way he was making a good impression of their server to the public. He feels mentally exhausted.</p><p>“You guys really don’t mind my stimming?” He asks.</p><p>“Are you kidding?” Ren laughs beside him, tightening his hug and making him feel warm and safe. “Dude if I’m showing off a build to you, and you get all happy flappy, it’s like the highest honour! Happy flappy is the Bdubs seal of approval.” That makes him flush a little, he hadn’t realised maybe people would like it. He just thought it was something they were forced to deal with.</p><p>Etho nods before him, moving to sit cross-legged on the floor. “I like that you’re so open with your emotions, but you don’t mind that I’m not. If we’re hanging out and you’re stimming then it lets me know you’re enjoying spending time with me and feel comfortable around me, even if I’m not as open as you are.” Well of course he loves spending time with Etho! And he would never mind that one of his friends expresses themselves a little differently than others.</p><p>Oh. Maybe he gets it.</p><p>Carefully he runs his fingers through his hair, not pulling or tugging, just ruffling it up as things begin falling into place in his head. “I thought maybe you were all sick of it.” He admits.</p><p>“Never! It’s what makes you, you dude! You flapping is like me wagging my tail, can’t control it, it’s just a way of expressing yourself.” Said tail wags between them, thumping at the couch in a happy tempo. It makes Bdubs smile.</p><p>This is what he loves so much about this server. And maybe Ren and Etho are right. They are all weird in their own way, none of them really fit into the ‘normal’ mould of what’s expected. But nobody is judged for it. Everyone just kind of accepts and continues, making exceptions where needed to allow for differences. It makes whatever cavern of worry and fear that had opened inside of him feel smaller, like it’s collapsing in on itself into nothing.</p><p>For a while they stay in the quiet room, talking amongst themselves as Ren informs Xisuma and the others that he’s alright. He appreciates that, right now he’s not ready for the inevitable conversation with a whole group of his friends. This was easier after a meltdown, quiet and few people. He feels pretty tired, if he could he’d take a nap, but he knows he can’t do that until Xisuma is back and he’s spoken to his admin.</p><p>Fortunately it doesn’t take too long. The timer in the hub world must have been up, and he’s glad the door to their side room is closed when he hears the noise of the crowd return through the portal. Tightening the weighted blanket around himself, he takes a breath. Xisuma will not be mad at him. Ren and Etho had explained it all. He was fine. He was safe. And Xisuma would just want to know that he was okay.</p><p>Ren’s tail falls into his lap, still wagging lightly and giving him something to pet and keep his hands busy. He appreciates the gesture, and runs his fingers over the soft fur lightly. He can hear as the crowd disperses with some orders from their admin, and a few hermits initially refusing. It’s nice that they want to see him, but he needs a little more time before he’s ready. Thankfully before long there is a knock at the door, and Xisuma enters before closing it firmly behind himself.</p><p>Immediately he comes over to Bdubs, leaning down to rest his helmet against Bdubs’ forehead in Xisuma’s usual way of greeting after a meltdown. He appreciates it. More than his admin would ever know. Etho moves aside, allowing Xisuma to take his place in front of Bdubs. Close enough to offer support but not so close he feels crowded.</p><p>“I’m glad to see you’re doing better my friend. I’m sorry I couldn’t come back sooner.” His admin tells him, genuinely looking nothing short of relieved to find him stable and calm.</p><p>Humming a little he still needs some reassurance. “Are you mad?” He has to ask, because that tiny little niggle of concern is still there gnawing away and waiting for more fuel to feed it into something bigger.</p><p>Xisuma shakes his head, leaning back up to bump the front of the helmet into his forehead. It’s nice. It’s known. It’s Xisuma. “Not at you. I’m mad that some utter arseholes made one of my hermits feel like they couldn’t be themselves.” And if his admin is swearing then he really is mad.</p><p>“He didn’t ruin the server’s reputation did he X?” Etho asks, not as a genuine question, but as a way to quell any fears residing inside of himself. Bdubs appreciates that Etho knows what he needs without him even having to ask.</p><p>“Never. You were yourself and that’s all I ever want people to know they can be on my server.”</p><p>He smiles at that. It’s small but genuine, and exactly what he’s already been told, so it must be true. “Sorry if I ruined update day.”</p><p>Xisuma snorts, waving a hand in dismissal between them. “Oh please, I got to see Doc punch one of the arseholes who mocked you to the ground. That was pretty great.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“And you were worried that you’d ruin our reputation?” Etho murmurs to him as Bdubs chuckles at the thought of Doc defending his honour.</p><p>Ren is laughing too. “Are we invited to future update hubs anymore Xisuma?”</p><p>It should be a serious matter. Really he should feel worried that he’s caused a spiral of events that could stop his friends from being able to join in something in the future. But all he can imagine is Doc punching that rude guy to the ground, probably growling and hissing and scaring others away. He knows that it must have taken a good few hermits to hold him back from continuing the beating, even if they wanted to join in themselves. Really as far as ruining a reputation went he’s pretty sure a fist fight is worse than him flapping.</p><p>It puts things into an easier perspective.</p><p>“I spoke to the hub world’s admins, trust me we’re fine.” Xisuma looks a little pleased with himself. There was a lot of reasons he was the admin, and being able to liaise with other servers and keep up good relations was one of them. “I explained what had happened and you’ll be pleased to know every server who participated today will be getting a memo about respect and acceptance on hub worlds. What they do on their server is their business, but in hub worlds they have to be respectful.”</p><p>It means the door is definitely open for him in the future. And maybe for more people who fear getting rejected. It’s actually pretty good to think his outburst has brought about a positive reminder across multiple servers to respect others. His head doesn’t feel fuzzy anymore. Even if he’s still tired and grateful for the weighted blanket giving him pressure, there is a definitely calmness flowing through himself that hadn’t been there before.</p><p>Letting out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding, he sighs, leaning back into Ren and the couch. He hadn’t screwed anything up. In fact he may have inadvertently made things a little better. He feels warm all over.</p><p>“They also wanted me to give you something as an apology for having to deal with that on their hub.” Xisuma reaches into his inventory and pulls out something before presenting it to him.</p><p>It’s a mini block. But not just any mini block. Though he may not understand the way coding works, he can see it’s not a glitch. Maybe just something retextured especially for him to not cause any corruption. But regardless of what it technically is, he knows what it is to him. A mini copper block of his own. Shiny, new, and all for him. It gleams in the light, looking too good to be true. It shouldn’t be here, this world wasn’t ready for something so amazing, but it is here, it is his and he loves it. It makes the bubbles of excitement begin to build inside of him easily.</p><p>“There will always be people who do not understand you.” Xisuma tells him, holding out the mini block for him to take when he’s ready. “But so long as you are my hermit, I will always do everything in my power to make sure you are accepted for who you are.”</p><p>He can’t take the block for a moment. His hands are too busy flapping.</p><p> </p>
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